You're playing backgammon with a friend at a café. A server appears: "We don't allow games here." Suddenly, inexplicably, you feel like you're twelve years old getting scolded.
Or you're stuck in traffic, accidentally blocking someone's turn. They honk. Long, aggressive. And for reasons you can't explain, you feel small. You just lost status.
Here's what's happening: your brain got hijacked by a temporary power flip. In that split second, the honker became the rule-follower, the righteous one, the parent. You became the rule-breaker, the inconsiderate one, the child. The situation handed them a tiny crown, and your brain automatically bowed.
Your brain evolved to read social hierarchies and respond quickly. For thousands of years, this kept us alive. The problem is your brain can't tell the difference between a legitimate threat to your status and some guy annoyed about backgammon. When someone has structural power (even trivial, temporary power like enforcing a café rule or following traffic norms) they occupy higher position in that moment's hierarchy. You become lower status not because of who you are, but because of situational context.
Once you see the trick, you can't unsee it. And once you know the counter-moves, these moments stop stealing your peace.
Three techniques that work
Use humor before they can weaponize it
When the restaurant person says "you can't play backgammon here," immediately: "Oh man, caught red-handed breaking the serious backgammon laws. What's the penalty, banned for life?"
You're acknowledging the situation but refusing to take the subordinate emotional position. You're treating it as absurd without being aggressive. Humor breaks the parent-child dynamic because children don't make jokes about the situation. They comply or rebel.
Ask questions
Instead of defending or submitting, get genuinely curious: "Interesting, what's the reasoning behind that rule?" or "How often does this come up?"
This reframes you as an equal observer rather than a subordinate receiving correction. You're studying the interaction, not trapped in it. You can't parent someone who's calmly asking questions.
Flip it with concern
When someone asserts dominance, you can often flip it by showing concern for them: "Hey, are you okay? You seem stressed about this."
You're now in the position of assessing their emotional state, which is inherently higher status. But you're doing it kindly, so they can't attack you for it.
The real hack: the 2-second pause
When someone tries to assert dominance rudely, pause for exactly two seconds while maintaining a slight smile. Don't talk. Just pause and smile slightly.
This breaks their script. They expect immediate compliance or defensiveness. The pause signals you're not rattled. The smile signals you're not threatened. Then you can deploy any of the techniques above.
That pause is you consciously choosing your response rather than reacting from the child part.
If humor doesn't come naturally, have questions ready:
- "What's the story behind that rule?"
- "How often does this happen?"
- "What would you suggest instead?"
Questions buy you time to stop feeling small, and they automatically reposition you as observer rather than subordinate.
If your mind goes blank when someone asserts authority, don't try to be creative in the moment. Pre-load responses for common situations:
- Someone enforcing petty rules: "Ah, didn't realize this was a high-security operation" plus smile
- Someone being rude about minor mistake: "You're probably right" plus 2-second pause plus move on
- Traffic or public rudeness: Exaggerated thumbs up plus smile
Practice these physically. Say them out loud. The goal is to make them automatic so your brain doesn't have to work hard when you're already feeling small.
The people who seem naturally good at this just have more reps. You're front-loading that practice so you don't need a thousand awkward encounters to get good. Three pre-loaded responses plus the pause habit will cover most situations.
Why this works
Start noticing the physical sensation when you're about to shrink. Tension in chest, wanting to explain yourself, slight panic. Just naming it internally ("oh, there's that shrinking feeling") often stops it from controlling you.
These are tools to maintain your sense of self in moments where situational power dynamics try to pull you into a subordinate position. Master these and you'll stop carrying the awkward feeling from these interactions, because you'll have consciously chosen your response rather than unconsciously adopted the child role.
The person honking has zero power over you except in that exact moment where traffic norms give them permission to be annoyed. Your brain sees hierarchy and reacts automatically.
Once you see how arbitrary these moments are, you can choose differently. The server is not your parent. The honker is not your superior. They're just people in situations that temporarily look like authority.
Once you stop automatically bowing to temporary crowns, you'll realize how much energy you've been wasting on people who never actually had power over you in the first place.